She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize