God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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