IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
