Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
