How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
