youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
