you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
