Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
