I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
