Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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