someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You can't motorboat a personality
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
