I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
