She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
