Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
