i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
