Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
