Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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