I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
