my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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