The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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