My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
