my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
