In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
