when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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