too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
