I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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