On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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