The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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