I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
