guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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