He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
