if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
