Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
