She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize