I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
