census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
