hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
