Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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