I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
