Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Let's paint friendship bongs
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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