he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
