I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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