spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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