Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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