fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
