census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
