3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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