did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
