I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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