dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
