dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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