you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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