I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
