Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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