Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
