Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
