So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
