I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
